First of all, Jesus, no one knows what “beatitude” means. It’s unnecessarily confusing, and I’m just going to be honest, so is a lot of your material. Can you be less mysterious? You’ll sell more books that way.

Let’s just call them blessings, right? Everyone loves blessings! Blessings sell! People will definitely read a list of how to be blessed…which means we’ve just got to tweak the list itself. Just a little. Because the way it is, people will never believe it. Not really, you know. They’ll read it every once in a while and say they believe it, but they’ll have a hard time actually living it.

We have to make these a little more realistic. I’ve just made a couple of changes.

How about this?

Blessed are the poor rich in spirit, because if the kingdom of heaven belongs to anyone it should be us.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted by clichés and easy answers.

Blessed are the meeksounds too much like weak, let’s take it out.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness are righteous, because if we believe we already are there’s no need to be hungry for it.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy…from God, maybe, but less so from us. I’m just being honest. Blessed are the honest!

Blessed are the pure in heart – but more importantly the pure in outward appearances and sound bites – for they will see God be sure everyone else knows it.

Blessed are the peacemakers peacekeepers, because making peace is too much to ask.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, and let’s make sure we clarify our minor grievances and people being crucified for their faith are basically the same thing.

See? Much better.

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